The Ultimate Raff-off: Magic Weapons

Sometimes (though admittedly rarely) Enough really is Enough.

Sometimes you have to awaken from the mundane sameness of your everyday existence and make a stand for what really matters.

Precisely which pebble breaks the camel’s back is entirely dependent on the stubbornness of the camel in question.

Admittedly, being an easy-going capitalist ungulate and largely somehow surviving a sea of the firstest of first world problems, the times in life when I feel the drive to answer such a drastic call to action are conveniently rare. There was that time the coffee machine broke for three hours at the office, some stupidly written comp packs and, most notably, the time when they increased the cost of beer at university.

These were moments where heroes of justice were born, the flaming sword of justified discourse unleashed under the mighty wings of an idealistic (and thankfully imaginary, hence no guano problems) cherub horde. The doomed nature of these crusades dimmed the burning righteousness of protests not at all.

So, what has happened to rouse the wrath of Raf? After all, terrifyingly hilarious, depressing and devastating things occur around us all on a weekly basis across all walks of life and interest, leaving neither politics, sports, films or war gaming untouched. And no comment from the Raf is forthcoming.

Great events are invariably the offspring of the simplest of things – displaced water, a dropping apple, the choice between a red and a blue pill.

Following these events nothing we know will ever be the same again.

In this particular case it is harder to pin down a singular event, though it is clear that it’s largely a by-product of that bottomless well of entertainment and rage (and entertaining rage), the internet.

The Dark Conclave of the Faceless ^{TM pending} have, these past months, set their many minions the task of working the forges at the dark heart of their fastness with one single mission – the enslavement of mankind deliver v1.0 of the 9^th Age.

This is known.

What is not known is that they have been drugging the great unnamed masses of the internet.

“How?” I hear the naïve reader ask.

Who knows, but any self-respecting faceless conclave has its ways. It is probably some diabolical mix of subtle behavioural engineering and powdered Jägermeister. The end result, as was seen in the run up to the publication of v1.0, has been highly effective – players sticking to their races on the forums hoping that, for the first time ever, that repeating the same suggestions *just one more time* will have its desired effect. There are exceptions of course – Elven players were heard grumbling that the effort of remembering all the special rules they keep being given is causing them sleepless nights, and the valiant players over at the Kingdom of Equitaine were clearly signed up to a paid-per-post contract, and are too busy being active for anyone to know what on earth is actually going on.

Over all this exquisitely choreographed madness the Dark Conclave of the Faceless ^{TM pending} sat in their enshadowed chambers, the echoes of their chuckles slowly dying across the tear-moistened flagstones.

Why does this, of all things, rouse the author’s wrath (a wrath notably unroused by the very death of a beloved game that brought so many hours of joy (and rage) to us all)?

I am not saying I am the Chosen One (though feel free to do so, if you must), but today I have finally awoken from the Matrix we have been ensnared into. Without any of us even realising, our omnipresent overlords have engineered the internet into… I hardly dare say it… a productive place. Vast amounts of playtesting fed back to informed people, deep discussions on the minutiae of balance, venting the furiously disjointed views of those who simply want it all...

My friends, we are living in a machine.

Now is the time to rise up and face our (probably at least partially mechanical) overlords and fight to take back to internet back to what it was truly meant for! (No, not naughty pictures you idiot - even the Coven could not put a stop to that).

I (obviously) mean three key things:

• Boldly set out views


• Sticking to opinions no matter what


• Ranking things in lists

This beautiful trinity simultaneously brings forth an entity Neil Gaiman must surely count amongst his new gods, Argument, and slays that heinous opiate of the masses, Productivity.

Geek rage - the whole point of the internet

So, enough of helpful suggestions to the Coven’s minions, enough playtesting of ideas. No. Now is the time to rank some stuff!

Where better to start that trope of adventure (arguably) older than age itself – magic weapons?

Be it Caliburn or Excalibur, the Honjo Masamune or the swords of Gryffindor or Truth, be they Glamdring, Andúril or Sting, magic weapons have captivated the imaginations of Man for centuries beyond count.

They invariably speak to a better, purer time when the creators, now long lost to the mists of time, were at one with the mythical powers of creation themselves.

The ultimate test of a civilization, after all, is how effective it is at killing people…

So, time to have a look at what weapons the various armies are bringing to the war torn battlefield. But… how can they be usefully compared? Is there some complex mathematical equation that will account for the various variables and tell us the truth according to Isaac Newton?

No, thankfully, as I have always been rather fatigued by mathematics.

Being a geek, and needing some fuel to be able to scream my truth at the world, there was, obviously, a spreadsheet. Here I scored the weapons according to the three most important criteria, marking each out of a maximum score of 5.

• Usability (does the likely bearer lose too much by having it)


• Damage (kind of the point)


• Uniqueness (the most important one – is there a “wow” here? Does it do stuff that normal weapons don’t?)

Using my complex analytical skills, I established the best of each race as am initial knock out round:

Beast Herds:

The Impaler – Well, turns our being a goat doesn’t stop one making exquisite weapons. This weapon has it all: coolness married to damage in both shooting (which the army lacks) and combat.

Daemon Legions:

Being racists, these boys insist on having a whole bunch of their own weapons – but most are extremely underwhelming (disappointing given they are magic made flesh…). Their offerings range from the downright terrible (Trident of Torment (what a name!) and Mortal Blade), through to the initially eye-catching, but actually quite dull, Eternal Blade. The pick of the them all for me was, in the end, the Lash of Lust. Sure the damage is likely to not be incredible, but it’s very cool, and allows a massively expensive Daemon to have an effect outside of the dangerous habitats of combat and magic. Also, you always get points for alliteration.

Dread Elves:

These elves historically steal all the cool stuff. The Headsman’s Axe is the weapon that set me off on this path – bringing not only brutal combat damage output, but also some wicked combos with the armour available to them. Just a cool axe.

Dwarven Holds

In the time honoured tradition of picking on short people, I should discount the Dwarven Holds - it’s a bit too easy after all. But no, they obviously make incredible weapons that can be wielded by effective, well protected characters. Some combination of the Runes of Destruction and Smashing plus anything else is easily one of the most powerful weapons in the game. That said, somewhat surprisingly, they are lacking in the *cool* factor (other than the Smashing mechanic), it would have been nice to see a thrown weapon or something here.

Empire of Sonnstahl

I almost went for the Star Mace here – there are plenty of models in this army that would benefit from it, but the sheer fear that The Sonnstahl brings to the table cannot be ignored. An easy 1+ armour save for the wielder just adds to the threat.

Highborn Elves

These elves are often accused of being a bit dull… and their weapons don’t help them out all that much. The Spear of the Blazing Dawn is quite a cool concept (and, in the right situation, flat out cool), but just doesn’t do enough. The Great Bow of Elu is flat out dull. It wins though because, whilst being dull, you can still use it a lot.

Infernal Dwarfs

I am reliably told these little blighters exist… and they bring the heat. The Blade of Burning Steel is *very* cool. It is also, unfortunately, a bit rubbish. The Onyx Hammer is a hammer, which is always a good start. It also really punishes people that don’t like fire – giving that the army has ways of dishing out Flammable, this is very cool

Kingdom of Equitaine

The mighty peasant-crushing heroes are lighter on weapons than I would have thought. Despite being, well, obvious, the Dragon Lance is the stand out – in the right set up (and in the right matchup) it is singlehandedly looking to remind the world of the true awesome power of a charge by a fully armoured knight. Once in three dozen times it even succeeds in doing so.

Ogre Khans

This was another close run things between the far cooler Heart Ripper and the majestic destruction of Khagadai’s Maul. In the end I thought Multiple Wounds (D3) was too good to pass up for an effective 30 points (this may be because my armies don’t have much multi-wound, and I am jealous).

Orcs & Goblins

Another tough one – having experienced Maza’s Zappin Bow I am well aware of how annoying it can be! But probably a tad too situational to be all that good. The Axe of the Aporcalypse benefits from not only causing a lot of damage, but also nicely fits the army’s theme.

Saurian Ancients

Those lizards really like their toys don’t they? I wanted to go for the Sword of the Dawn Ages, because it is exactly the type of weapon I approve of. It doesn’t, unfortunately, come close to the coolness of the Spear of the Stampede, or the beautiful utility of the Serpent Bow. In the end the coolness of the Spear just wins out.

Sylvain Elves

So, I appreciate it is not obvious (seriously, who would expect woods to be the home of massive forges), but these hippy elves bring a lot of coolness to the party. The clear winner for me is the Whirlwind Blade – given who can wield it, it raises a question: is this the best weapon in the game?

Vermin Swarm

Ah. Now here is a cute race that seriously knows how to make weapons. Ignore all else. With S10 Divine Attacks with Multiple Wound (D6), The Doom Blade is *the* nuclear weapon of the 9^th Age.

Undying Dynasties

These guys like their swag (makes sense, if you are going through the bother of being buried with it all). Both their weapons are cool, but the Vanquisher Eternal is just in a class of its own. A simply incredible weapon.

Vampire Covenant

So… these immortals have managed to keep their clawed hands on all of one unique magic weapon? And… a truly terrible one at that? This weapon does what the army already does (keep stuff alive a little bit), with no increase in damage output. The Blade of Red Thirst gets a prize, like a terrible Chaos Dwarf player in 8^th Edition Warhammer, simply by virtue of being the only one there.

Warriors of the Dark Gods

A warrior race is sure to value its weapons, one would assume. Actually though, not really, they only bring two to the party, and the Burning Blade of Chaos probably wins out despite the Spear of Gagnir’s coolness. Cheap enough to allow the wielder protection, it causes a real mess on the table. Sure, it has its hard counters, but for me that adds to the coolness of it.

So – out finalists entering the final arena to fight for their race’s eternal glory are set, how did they perform in the end?:

• 16^th: Vampire Covenant’s Blade of Red Thirst. Insipid, uninspiring performance. An embarrassment to their race.

• 15^th: Highborn Elves’ Great Bow of Elu. There is no way it’s Great, but I guess at the very least it’s a bow


• 14^th: Kingdom of Equitaine’ s Dragon Lance. A lance that hits harder on the charge just isn’t very exciting.


• 13^th: Daemon Legions Lash of Lust. It’s cool, and kinky, just not all that impressive.


• 12^th: Ogre Khan’s Khagadai’s Maul. Hits like a train, but just doesn’t get you all hot and bothered about it.


• 11^th: Beast Herd’s The Impaler – goat-forged throwing lances are cool.


• 10^th: Orcs and Goblins’ Axe of the Aporcalypse – hits like a train and fits perfectly while it’s at it.


• 9^th: Infernal Dwarves’ Onyx Hammer – Subtle like an evil Dwarf with a big hat

• 8^th: Saurian Ancients’ Spear of the Stampede – potentially the coolest weapon out there.


• 7^th: Empire of Sonnstahl’ s The Sonnstahl – I mean, it’s in the race’s name after all! Pity only humans can use it.


• 6^th: Warriors of the Dark Gods’ Burning Blade of Chaos – highly effective, and quite cool. Just… not *that* cool.


• 5^th: Dwarven Hold’s Some Dwarven weapon – kicks like a mule, dull like a rock. Sort of fitting really


• 4^th: Dread Elves’ Headsman’s Axe - +3 S at I8 is hard to argue with, and multiple wounds 2 just makes it tasty. The synergies with other things in the army are brutal

And the final three:

• 3^rd: Sylvain Elves and their Whirlwind Blade – simply brutally effective. Against most opponents this weapon has the wielder going first, hitting on 3s at s6 with Multiple Wounds 2. Not many characters don’t fear this (presumably recycled) weapon. The fact it’s on a Sylvain Elf (with all the cool things they can do) and randomly gives +1 armour makes this one cool weapon.


• 2^nd: Undying Dynasties’ Vanquisher Eternal – probably the coolest weapon in the game. Multiple ways to be wielded depending on what you are fighting, and wielded by a powerful combat model. It’s powerful, scary and cool. The complete package.


• 1^st: The Vermin Swarm and The Doom Blade - if you absolutely, positively, want to kill every last… anything… in the room, accept not substitutes. Frankly, this is hilariously powerful. Add in a splash of ‘can hurt yourself’ spiciness and you have the poster child of awesomeness – Iron Man would be seriously jealous.

#Winner

So, there you have it. Officially*, Vermin Swarm are the best and Vampire Covenant the worse.

*I think that’s how that works…

So there we have it, my blow against productivity and an attempt to start the internet reverting true self. If you disagree, you are probably wrong – you may have forgotten, but there was an actual spreadsheet used here. Learn how the internet works (seriously).

Until next time

Raf